


Almost Here

by a1_kitkat



Category: Westlife
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:52:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2832236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark has a difficult time after Brian quits the group. He decides to pay his friend a visit only to discover Brian is having as difficult a time as him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Here

The brunette singer stood, nervously, on his friend’s front porch. As he shifted, uncomfortably, from side to side, he reached up and adjusted the strap on his shoulder bag. He clenched then unclenched his fist before lifting his hand to ring the door bell. The young man paused then retracted his hand before turning away from the door and taking a deep breath to calm his nerves.

Mark knew he didn’t need to be here; that he could turn and walk away and no one would know. He’d not told anyone he was coming here so he knew there was nothing to be ashamed of if he walked away.

The moment of hesitation passed and he turned back to face the front door. He reached up and pressed the door bell. Several minutes passed before the door opened and a young blonde woman appeared. She was holding her youngest daughter in her arms and smiling at their visitor.

“Mark!” She exclaimed.  
“Hi Kerry” he replied, smiling. “Wow, look at little Lilly! How big she’s gotten…” She opened the door and ushered him inside.  
“It’s so good to see you” Kerry said as she hugged him. He returned the embrace then slowly pulled away.

“It’s good to see you too” Mark said. “How have you been?”  
“Oh, so-so. Keeping busy”  
“And… Bryan?”

Kerry stopped and turned to look at Mark. In that moment, he could see in her eyes that something was wrong.

“He’s… Fine” She told him.  
Mark looked at her for a time. He knew she wasn’t telling him the truth.  
“Really?” he asked.

Kerry looked into Mark’s eyes and instantly knew that he could see right through her. She sighed and averted her eyes. Mark was one of her husband’s best friends and she knew if she didn’t say something then he would notice himself as soon as he saw Bryan.

“He’s” she began. “He’s just not himself anymore. He’s… Different”  
“Different?” Mark enquired. “Different how?”

They walked into the Living room where Molly was watching TV. The little girl looked up, saw Mark and ran to him. He leaned down and scooped her up into his arms. She grinned and kissed his cheek.  
When Mark turned back to Kerry, he could still see the sadness in her eyes.

“Kerry… Is Bryan okay?” he asked. His stomach was churning at the very thought of something being wrong with his friend.  
“Oh Mark” Kerry paused, still not sure if she should tell him. “When he chose to leave the band, I thought he’d be happy… Being here with me and the girls but… But he’s not… I mean, at least, I don’t think he is…”  
“You… You’re not sure?”  
“Well… I never see him anymore… To be frank, I saw more of him when he was on tour and performing every night”  
“I don’t understand”  
“I assumed he’d feel a little sad, maybe even regretful, in the beginning… But he wasn’t. He just… He’d just go into his studio and not come out for days on end… I haven’t heard him speak for weeks… I can’t even remember the last time I saw him smile or heard him laugh…”

Mark watched her closely, taking in everything she had to say and trying to imagine the Bryan she spoke of. He couldn’t imagine his friend isolating himself or being that sad.

“Where is he now?” he asked her.  
“In his studio… Where else?” she replied.  
“Maybe he just likes it there… Or is stuck on a song…”  
“I… I guess”  
“May I… Can I go see him?”  
“I… I don’t know… Maybe that’s not such a good idea…”  
“You think it might upset him?”  
“Maybe…?”  
“Please Kerry? I… I miss him”

Kerry stopped for a moment. She looked at Mark and was surprised by what she could see in his eyes. Until now, she’d not once stopped to think how his band mates would be coping with his departure. It was more than obvious now how much Mark had missed his friend.

“Oh Mark” she reached out and placed her hand on his arm. “I’m sure he’s missed you too”  
He smiled at her words.  
“Go on through… I can’t guarantee he’ll let you in but it won’t hurt to try”

The brunette smiled and lowered Molly, placing her on the floor. She grinned up at him then turned and hurried back to the television. Mark smiled, placed a kiss on Kerry’s cheek and thanked her. She smiled and wished him luck. A few minutes later, he was standing outside the door to Bryan’s studio.

As he stood by the closed door, Mark was over-come with a sense of déjà vu. He raised his fist to knock and stopped. Then the voice of reason inside his head took over and he determinedly knocked on the door. Several minutes passed but nothing happened. He took a deep breath and knocked again.

“Go away!” Bryan’s muffled voice came from inside.  
“Bryan, it’s me…” He called out.

Seconds later, the door flew open. Mark leapt back in surprise, his eyes wide with shock. As he looked up, he saw Bryan standing in the doorframe and he couldn’t resist, he moved forward and wrapped his arms around him. The older boy smiled and returned the brunette’s embrace. They stood in the doorway for a long time, holding each other until Mark managed to compose himself enough to pull away.

“What… What are you doing here?” Bryan asked.  
“I… I came to visit… you” Mark replied.  
“Uh, come in…”

Bryan moved aside and ushered Mark into the studio. He closed the door then walked with him over to the couch. The younger boy dropped his bag on the floor and sank down onto the cushions. Bryan moved over to the keyboard and sat in front of it then he turned the chair around to face Mark.

“You look great” Mark began.  
“Thanks, I lost some weight” Bryan laughed. “You look pretty fit yourself”  
“Well, that happens when you do five shows a week…”  
“I remember”

Bryan was laughing but there was a sadness behind his eyes too. Mark had seen that same emotion in Kerry’s eyes but he wasn’t sure if he should mention it or not.

“So… How have you been?” Bryan asked.  
“Fine… Uh… You?” Mark stammered.  
“Yeah, great”  
“Kerry said you… You’ve been spending a lot of time in here…”  
“Oh, well… Yeah I… I have… The creative juices have really been flowing and you know what I’m like. I’ve gotta write it down as soon as it comes to me or I’ll lose it”

The older boy laughed then stood up and walked over to the corner. He opened the small refrigerator and retrieved two beers. He walked back over to Mark, handed a bottle to him then dropped down on the couch beside him.

The unexpected close proximity to Bryan suddenly made Mark feel very uncomfortable. He wasn’t entirely sure why but, when Bryan had handed him his drink, he’d definitely felt a familiar shiver pass through him as their fingers touched. He wondered if Bryan had felt the shiver too for the older boy subtly moved away from him.

“You didn’t come to any of the shows” Mark stated.  
“I… I wanted to but couldn’t” Bryan admitted.  
“You were busy?” Bryan shook his head. “I... I looked for you, in the crowd”  
“You did?”  
“Of course”

Bryan raised his drink and took a mouthful.  
“So, how was it?” he asked.  
“It?”  
“Being on tour… Without me”  
“Different” Mark confessed.  
“Different good or different bad?”  
“Just… Different” Mark shrugged.

Mark busied himself for the next few minutes opening his beer and taking a few sips. While his hands were busy, he contemplated Bryan’s question. Personally, he felt the difference for him was ‘lonely’.  
Shane & Nicky had their wives and Kian had Jodi but Mark had no one. He’d become accustomed to Bryan & Kerry then Molly and now Lily.

“You go out much?” Bryan asked.  
“Not really” Mark stated. “Sometimes we’d all go out… Shane & Gill, Nicky & Gina, Kian & Jodi…”  
“And you”  
“And me”  
“So… No one ‘special’ in your life then?”  
Mark sighed. “Come on Bry, you and I both know there isn’t”  
“Why not?”  
“Well, it’s not exactly easy for me to go out and meet someone”  
“That’s no reason to take yourself off the market”

Mark looked up, into Bryan’s eyes and saw a hint of something unfamiliar. Their conversation had taken a turn and was making him feel even more uncomfortable. He shifted slightly.

“Can we, uh, talk about something else?” Mark asked.  
“Sure…” Bryan smiled. “Like what?  
“You heard from any of the lads lately?”  
“Nope”  
“No?”  
“No”  
“Really?”  
“Yep”  
“Oh”  
“Well, come on… I hadn’t exactly heard from you since before the tour started… And now you’re here”

“I wrote to you” Mark whispered.  
“You did?” Bryan asked.  
“Yeah”  
“But I never…”  
“Well, I never actually sent them”

Mark leaned forward and placed his beer on the table. He reached down and picked up his bag. He opened it and dug around inside. A moment later, he pulled out a small pile of letters.

“Every few nights I’d sit down and write you an update… Telling you about the tour… All the jokes and mishaps and stuff but I… I couldn’t bring myself to send them. I wanted to but I was afraid it would upset you”  
“It probably would have” Bryan admitted.  
“So I kept them… I didn’t have the heart to throw them out”  
“Will you read them to me?”  
“What?”  
“Just one then…Please?”

Mark looked into Bryan’s eyes and heard himself say yes. He removed the elastic band holding the envelopes together and picked up the first letter. With shaking hands, he opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of paper. His voice shook as he read aloud.

“Dear Bryan, we’ve just come off stage after our first show. It was nerve wracking and pretty tense before the show started. I heard Kian say before the show that it was crunch time and this would make-or-break us. I never told this to anyone but a part of me was hopeful it would be the latter. As I stood backstage before the show, all I could think was ‘we shouldn’t be doing this without you’. Then, throughout the show, I kept looking for you… Kept expecting you to be there but you weren’t. I can’t remember a single thing that happened on that stage because I was too busy wishing you were there beside me. I know why you chose to leave us and I know that you’re going to be so much happier now that you can be with your family but I thought… Hoped… That I…”  
Mark trailed off and put the letter down. Tears had formed in his eyes and he could no longer read the words on the paper in front of him. He remembered, now, his reason for not sending this particular letter.

Bryan had been drinking his beer and listening to Mark but once the younger boy’s words had begun to falter, he’d had to put his drink down. As Mark’s voice shook and his eyes filled with tears, Bryan fought to resist the urge to lean over and embrace him. The younger boy blinked back his tears but didn’t stop Bryan from reaching out and taking the letter from him.

“I know why you chose to leave us” Bryan read to himself. “And I know that you’re going to be so much happier now that you can be with your family but I thought… hoped… that I was your family too. I’ve been in your life longer than Kerry and will love you more than she ever will. I know she’s your wife and that you love her, so I respect her for that but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. You’re my best friend, Bryan; I never thought you would leave me”

The blonde couldn’t read the remainder of the letter for the words were practically illegible and smudged by previously shed tears. He folded the paper and slipped it back into the envelope.

“I was pretty drunk when I wrote that” Mark tried to explain himself and the words he’d written. “I… uh… Don’t remember half of what I wrote there…”  
Bryan nodded but didn’t speak as he handed it back to Mark.  
“Woke up the next morning with a terrible hang over and Kian yelling at me for over-sleeping” he tried to crack a smile but failed.

Mark stood up and crossed the room. His hands were still shaking; He’d forgotten how upset he’d been when he composed that first letter and was now regretting agreeing to read it aloud. The singer closed his eyes as he struggled to hold back his tears.

“Mark?” Bryan began.

He watched Mark’s struggle and told himself to keep his distance but he could tell that the brunette was trying desperately hard not to cry. He tentatively climbed to his feet and crossed the room. 

Bryan stepped up behind his former band mate and wrapped his arms around his waist. He felt Mark’s body tense in his arms and he held his breath, willing the younger boy to relax against him.

The two singers remained in their stance for several minutes until Mark turned around to face the blonde. Bryan stared down into his friend’s tear-filled eyes. He brought his hand up to Mark’s cheek and gently wiped away one of his tears. Mark’s lips were trembling as Bryan leaned in towards him…

“What’s this?” Mark asked, breaking away from Bryan and crossing the room.

The brunette walked over to the wall and stopped in front of a photograph. Bryan turned, mentally kicking himself for his actions, and followed him. His eyes followed Mark’s gaze.

“That’s a photo” Bryan said. “Of us”  
“Is that from the Brits?” Mark asked.  
“Yeah”  
“You… Had it framed?”  
“I did”  
“Why?”

Bryan shrugged then walked back over to the couch to collect his beer. He picked up the bottle and took another mouthful. An uncomfortable level of awkwardness had been reached and neither of them knew what to say to the other.

“So, what have you been working on?” Mark asked him.  
“A couple of songs” Bryan replied, happy an easy conversation starter.  
“That’s great”  
“I… I even wrote a duet”  
“A duet?”  
“Yeah”  
“Wow, who are you going to sing it with?”  
“I don’t know yet… Her voice needs to be just right. I know what I want it to sound like, I just haven’t found it yet” Mark nodded.  
“Will you play it for me?”  
“Will you sing it with me?”  
“I… I don’t know how it’s supposed to sound…”  
“You’ll catch on…”

Bryan walked over to the keyboard and located the sheet music. He handed it to Mark and sat down. Mark stood beside him and listened as Bryan began to play. 

Mark closed his eyes and listened as Bryan’s voice filled the room.  
“Did I hear you right, 'cause I thought you said, let's think it over, you have been my life… And I never planned, growing old without you”

He listened to the older boy then sat down on the bench beside Bryan. The blonde nodded when it was time for Mark to take over.

“But when I need you, you're almost here and I know that's not enough…  
And when I'm with you, I'm close to tears 'cause you’re only almost here”

Mark felt his voice faltering but continued singing. When Bryan joined in for the chorus, he felt Bryan’s eyes on him but his own eyes didn’t leave the sheet music. Once the song ended, Mark lowered the paper and sat in silence for a moment.

“So, what did you think?” Bryan asked him.  
“It…” Mark stammered. “It’s beautiful, Bry”  
“Thanks” the blonde smiled.  
“Sorry my voice was a little off”  
“I thought you sounded great. I miss hearing you sing”  
“You do?”  
“Of course” Bryan laughed. He shifted in the seat, unaware that his thigh was pressed against Mark’s but the younger boy didn’t move away.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to go solo” Mark stated, averting his eyes.  
“I did and I wasn’t planning to” Bryan admitted. “I’ve just been writing like mad and the record company approached me and asked if I wanted to release an album”  
“And you said yes?”  
“I said I’d think about it”  
“You should”  
“Think about it?”  
“Do it. If what you’ve been writing is up to the same standards as that song you just sang… Then you’d be crazy not to”  
“And you’d be okay with that?”  
“Well, *I* would… Not sure about the other lads though. You really care what they think?”

Bryan looked up then shrugged his shoulders.  
“You left us, Bry” Mark stated. “It’s not like… You don’t owe anything to us”  
“I don’t?”  
“I uh I assumed you felt you didn’t”  
“Oh”

Mark stood up and walked back over to the framed plaques and photographs on the wall. There was a gap between two images that Mark hadn’t noticed before.

“What was there?” Mark asked him. Bryan looked up at where he was pointing.  
“An old photo of me and Nicky…” Bryan replied. “The one you took when we signed our contracts”  
“When did you take it down?”  
“A few months ago”  
“Why?”  
“Why what?”  
“Why did you take it down?”  
“No reason”  
“Bryan”  
“What?”

The brunette walked back over to the blonde and placed his hand on his shoulder. Bryan’s hand slowly moved up to cover Mark’s.

“What happened between the two of you?” Mark asked. “You used to be so close”  
“Things change, people change…” Bryan whispered. “They drift apart”  
“You didn’t drift apart… One day you were friends and the next you weren’t”  
“It’s nothing you should be worried about”  
“You know I can’t help myself… You’re my friend and so is he”  
“So why don’t you ask him?”  
“Because I want to hear it from you”  
“Does it really matter now? I’m not in the band anymore, who cares if Nicky and I aren’t friends anymore?”  
“Me?”

Bryan slowly looked up and met Mark’s gaze. The younger boy was looking at him with such honesty and intensity that Bryan couldn’t help but want to open up to him.

“At first, I thought I was just imagining it” Mark admitted as he moved around and sat down beside Bryan once more. “But the longer it went on, the more obvious it became”  
“When did you finally realise something was wrong?”  
“The press conference was a big give-away…”  
“It was?”  
“Kian was devastated… He cried nearly all night”  
“He was scared the band was going to fall apart”  
“I know but he was still upset… And you were upset and Kerry was crying… But Nicky and Shane barely even blinked. When Shane hugged me, he was comforting me… Not himself. I started to worry about him [and Nicky] because they were both so casual about the whole thing”  
“So… What happened?”  
“About a month ago, we’d just gotten back to the hotel after one of our shows and were heading to the bar… Jodi, Gill & Gina had all gone home for a few days [taking a break from the tour] so it was just the four of us… It was pretty much the first time that all four of us had been alone together since you left and Shane completely lost it”  
“He did?” Mark nodded.

“We were in the hallway on our floor and Kian mentioned you, just in passing, and Shane just burst into tears. He didn’t say anything, he just started crying and then he collapsed on the floor. Nicky didn’t miss a beat. He swooped in, pulled Shane to his feet and helped him back to his room”  
Mark stopped for a moment then pressed on. “Kian and I went down to the bar… I expected them to join us later, but they never showed… I realised then how much you leaving had affected Shane but Nicky… He still hasn’t shown any kind of emotion about it and it’s been months!”

Bryan reached out and took hold of Mark’s hand. He looked up and held the younger boy’s eye for a moment. The blonde singer took a deep breath then slowly released it.

“It really isn’t my place to say” Bryan insisted.  
“Please Bryan? Maybe there’s something I can do to help?” Mark asked.  
“I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do. We don’t see eye-to-eye anymore”  
“On what?”  
“Marriage” Bryan sighed.  
“Uh, I don’t understand?”  
“You say I don’t owe you lads anything so I guess it’s not really betraying him… You remember what happened on my stag night, right?”  
“With that Amy bird?”  
“Yeah” Bryan nodded.  
“Well, what’s that got to do with Nicky?”  
“He cornered me one day and really laid into me about the importance of marriage and being faithful to the one you love. He read me the entire riot-act about how I’d betrayed Kerry and that she didn’t deserve that”  
“But you know what you did was wrong…”  
“Yes but what really made me snap was how high and mighty Nicky was acting… So I turned the tables on him”  
“How?”  
“I made a mistake… I never meant to hurt Kerry and I’d hoped she’d never find out about it… I felt so guilty for being so stupid”

Mark sat, staring at Bryan with a look of complete confusion on his face. He had no idea where his friend was going with this but the older boy was starting to look angry. Mark was starting to have his doubts about this line of questioning.

“I just couldn’t stand Nicky having a go at me for one little mistake… When he’s been having an affair for months” Bryan finished.

The brunette almost slid off the seat at Bryan’s words. For a moment, he thought he’d misheard him.  
“I… What?” Mark gasped.  
“It’s true, Mark” Bryan explained.  
“No, it can’t be. Nicky’s not like that. He loves Gina. He could never do something like that to her… And, we’re on tour all the time… When could he possibly find the time to have a full-fledged affair?”  
“Mark”

“No!” Mark leapt away from Bryan and stepped back. “You… You’re lying!”  
“Why would I lie to you?” Bryan asked.  
“I don’t know... But you have to be”

The blonde climbed to his feet and walked over to his friend. He reached out to take Mark’s hand but the younger boy pulled away.  
“Don’t touch me” Mark hissed. “You liar”

“Marky, baby” Bryan whispered. “Please, believe me”  
“No, I can’t!” Mark sobbed.  
“You asked me for the truth and I’m telling it to you… Nicky’s sleeping with Shane”  
“With Shane? Are you insane?”  
“It’s the truth, Mark”  
“No” he shook his head. “It can’t be”

He moved further away from Bryan, placing as much distance between himself and his friend. Mark backed into the wall and slowly sank down to the floor. He didn’t want to believe that what Bryan had just told him was true but he couldn’t understand why Bryan would make up a lie like that either.  
At the same time, if it were true, then he couldn’t fathom why his friend would keep something like that from him.

“No” Mark insisted. “They’re married, Bryan… And they… They’re not like me!”  
“Like you?” Bryan asked, confused.  
“Fags Bry!”

The older boy hurried over to Mark and dropped to the ground beside him. He reached out and took hold of one of his hands then he placed his other hand underneath Mark’s chin and urged the younger boy to look up at him.

“Listen to me, Mark” Bryan insisted. “You are NOT a ‘fag’ and I never want to hear you talk about yourself like that again… You hear me?”  
“But I-” Mark argued.  
“No!”

Mark stared into Bryan’s eyes for the longest time. Tears streamed down his cheeks and the older boy gently brushed them away.  
“Why wouldn’t they tell me?” Mark asked. “They could have helped me…”  
“You didn’t need their help, you turned out perfect the way you are” Bryan assured him.  
“But it was hard”  
“I know”  
“I felt so alone… Trying to find out who I was… If they’d just told me, it could have helped”  
“You’re better than them, Mark”

The younger boy slowly nodded his head then leaned in towards Bryan. The blonde wrapped his arms around his friend and held him tightly in his arms.  
“Thank you” Mark whispered.

It happened without him even realizing. One minute he was hugging Bryan and the next, they were kissing. He wasn’t sure which of them had initiated the kiss but it was happening.  
Mark was the first to pull away, his eyes wide with shock. He wanted to run, to get away from Bryan and pretend it had never happened but the older boy was between him and the door. Words seemed to have failed him and he didn’t know what to do.

“Mark?” Bryan whispered. “Are… You okay?”  
“Wh… I…” Mark stammered. “What was that?”  
“I… I kissed you”  
“Why the fuck did you do that?”

Mark’s limbs began to function once again and he pushed away from Bryan. He staggered to his feet and scrambled for the door.

“Mark?” Bryan called.

The brunette had reached the door but he froze when he heard Bryan say his name. He didn’t turn around. He was afraid if he looked at his friend, he would want to kiss him again.

“Mark, please?” Bryan began. “Don’t go”  
“Why not?” Mark asked.  
“I want you to stay… To talk about this”  
“This?”  
“Us”  
“There… There is no ‘us’ Bryan”  
“But there could be”  
“No, there couldn’t”  
“Yes there could”  
“Could not”  
“Could too”  
“Could not”  
“What are we, five?”  
“Yes… And so we’re too young to date”  
“You want to date me?”  
“No!”  
“I think you do”  
“Well… You think wrong”

Bryan stared at Mark’s back. He wanted to approach him, embrace his friend and tell him everything would be okay but he couldn’t. Mark’s reaction wasn’t quite what he’d expected but he wasn’t afraid. In fact, he took his friends hesitance as a good sign.

“Mark” Bryan whispered. “I know you’re scared but you don’t have to be. I would never do anything to hurt you. A part of you must want to be with me or you wouldn’t be acting the way you are now”  
“What do you mean?” Mark asked, still unable to turn and look at Bryan.  
“You’re reacting like this because you’re scared. If that kiss had meant nothing then you would have pretended it never happened or just laughed it off”

The younger boy finally turned around and looked at his friend.  
“Why are you doing this to me?” Mark asked, defeated.  
“Oh Mark” Bryan replied. “I swear… I’m not doing anything to you. I don’t want to hurt you”  
“I… I won’t let you turn into Nicky”  
“What?”  
“You’re married, Bryan. You’re with Kerry”  
“I don’t love her anymore”  
“I don’t care. I won’t be ‘Shane’ to your ‘Nicky’. I can’t”

Mark turned and started to open the door. Bryan hurried across the room and slammed the door shut.

“Bryan?” Mark pleaded. “Please, let me go?”  
“I don’t want to be with her anymore” Bryan insisted.  
“That’s between you and her. I can’t be the one to break up your marriage”  
“I don’t love her… I love you”

Mark managed to open the door and step out into the hall.  
“Please, don’t go?” Bryan begged.  
“Goodbye Bryan” Mark whispered.

The brunette hurried through the house. He passed the Kitchen and saw Kerry.  
“Mark” she called. “Would you like to join us for dinner?”  
“Sorry, I have to be somewhere” Mark replied.  
“Oh, well thanks for stopping by”  
“No problem”  
“You come back soon, okay?”  
“Sure”  
She smiled at him then kissed his cheek.  
“Bye Mark”  
“Goodbye Kerry”

Somehow, Mark managed to make it out of the house and into his car before he started crying. He sat behind the wheel for a long time, replaying everything that happened and was said inside. His heart was beating in his ears and his eyes were stinging from the tears.  
He’d been waiting so long to hear Bryan say those words to him and now that he’d heard them, he wasn’t sure where to go from here. He’d promised himself he couldn’t go there, not while Bryan was still with Kerry.

Mark took several deep breaths to calm himself before putting the keys into the ignition and starting the car. He couldn’t wait to put as much distance between himself and Bryan as he possibly could.

*-*-*-*-*

Later that night, Bryan lay awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling.  
Things between himself and Kerry had been on the slide for some time only he’d been too afraid to acknowledge it. The most he’d done was move into one of the guest bedrooms… And he’d been sleeping there for almost a month now.

A knock at the door roused him from his confusing thoughts.

“Come in” he called.

The door opened and he could see Kerry silhouetted in the doorframe. He reached out and turned the bedside lamp on. She stepped into the room and closed the door. She didn’t speak as she walked over to the bed and climbed in beside him.

“The girls are asleep” Kerry told him. Bryan nodded but didn’t speak.  
“You were very quiet during dinner” Again, Bryan just nodded.  
“Molly was thrilled to see Mark today” A third nod from her husband.  
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Kerry asked.

This finally received a reaction from Bryan. His body tensed and he rolled over to look at her. She was staring at him with her big expressive eyes and he was surprised to see that she wasn’t angry with him.

“How long have you known?” Bryan asked her.  
“A few months” Kerry admitted.  
“You never said anything”  
“What was there to say?”  
Bryan shrugged.  
“Does he feel the same?”  
“I don’t know”  
“But something happened when he was here, didn’t it?”

Bryan looked at his wife as though he was seeing her for the first time. She was sincere in her questioning and was genuinely interested in what he had to say. He’d not expected her to react like this at all.

“I kissed him” Bryan admitted.  
“And?”  
“And he left”  
“What?”  
“It probably wasn’t good timing from me… I’d just told him about Nicky and Shane”  
“Oh?”  
“He didn’t take it too well. He took it pretty personally. Seemed to think they were gay and hadn’t told him… He was upset and I was comforting him then I kissed him”  
“Did he say anything?”  
“That he can’t be the one to break up my marriage”  
“You didn’t tell him about us?”  
“I tried but by then it was too late… He was determined to leave”  
“Are you going to call him?”  
“I don’t know if I should…”  
“So, you’re just going to give up on him instead?”  
“I didn’t say that”  
“Bryan, if you love him and want to be with him then you can’t just let him go”  
He sighed. “I know”  
“Maybe he just needs some time… It probably all came as quite a shock for him”  
“Yeah”

Kerry smiled at Bryan. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. He smiled back. She tossed back the sheets and climbed out of the bed.

“Good night, Bry” Kerry said.  
“Good night” Bryan replied. “And Kerry?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Thank you”

*-*-*-*-*

Mark had ended up spending the night at Nicky’s. He’d stayed at Bryan’s longer than he’d expected and been too tired to drive back to Sligo.

It had been a very awkward night.  
Mark hadn’t called first. Instead, he’d just turned up on the doorstep.

When he pulled into the drive, Nicky’s car was in the garage, Georgina’s car was absent but Shane’s car was present. Mark had marched up the front walk and knocked on the door. Nicky had appeared, taking several minutes longer than necessary, and opened the door.

“Mark? What are you doing here?” Nicky asked. He looked rather flustered.  
“Sorry for stopping by so late but I need a place to crash tonight” Mark explained.  
“Tonight? Uh, Georgina’s at her sister’s for the night…”  
“Great, we can have a boy’s night in”

He pushed past Nicky and invited himself inside. Nicky bit his lip to hold back his annoyance.

“Besides, if Georgina’s not here… You might get lonely, huh?” Mark asked.  
“Well… I uh was just planning a quiet one in” Nicky explained.  
“That’ll be fine too… I’m not in a celebratory mood either… Did I see Shane’s car outside?”

“Hi Mark” Shane’s voice travelled down the staircase.  
“Hey Shane” Mark replied. “Are you staying here tonight too?”  
Mark didn’t miss the look that passed between his two friends.  
“Well, I’m actually beat. I’m just going to shower and go straight to bed… Totally exhausted too so uh I can sleep though anything… See you lads in the morning”

*

After his shower, Mark hadn’t gone straight to sleep. He’d lie awake in the spare room next to Nicky’s for a long time. It hadn’t been his intention to stay at Nicky’s or to interrupt Nicky’s evening with Shane… That had just been a lucky bonus.  
By the time he’d gotten up the following morning, he’d made the decision to pretend his kiss with Bryan hadn’t happened. He decided to break all contact with his friend for a while in an attempt to let everything simmer down then everything could just go back to normal.

*-*-*-*-*

Mark’s plan worked for a few days. But the following week, something happened to make him re-think things.

Mark awoke early one morning to the sound of his alarm. After the current song on the radio finished, the news began. The day’s breaking news story was the separation of Bryan McFadden and his wife Kerry.  
The brunette lie in bed, unmoving as the report continued. He couldn’t believe what was happening. His first instinct was the grab the phone, call Bryan and make sure he was okay. But Mark was afraid to do that.

His phone did ring but it was Kian calling to ask if he’d heard the news. Mark had to pretend it was a shock to him and insist that he’d had no idea it was coming. Kian asked if Mark was planning to go and see Bryan and the brunette had to think fast. He told Kian that he didn’t want to disturb Bryan, especially if it turned out to be not true… In all honesty, Mark just didn’t want to get his own hopes up.

After he got up and had breakfast, he received a phone call from Shane. He told the older boy the same things he’d said to Kian. Mark was surprised both his friends had called him instead of Bryan. He wasn’t surprised that the entire day passed without a call from Nicky.

Two days passed and more news reports appeared. Mark took this to mean the news was true but he still hadn’t spoken to Bryan. He’d ignored two calls from him though. The longer he went without talking to him, the worse he felt. Deep down, he couldn’t help but wonder if this was happening because of him. Would Bryan and Kerry have separated if Mark hadn’t gone to see them?

Four days after the initial news broke, Mark received a visitor. He was sitting in the Living room, watching television when he heard a knock at the front door. He slowly climbed to his feet and went into the hall. He opened the door and was shocked to see a familiar figure on his front porch.

“Kerry!” Mark exclaimed.  
“Hi Mark” she smiled. “May I come in?”  
“Of course”

He stepped aside and ushered her inside. The two of them made their way into the Kitchen and he put the kettle on. Neither of them spoke until they were seated at the table with steaming mugs of coffee in their hands.

“I take it you’ve heard the news?” Kerry asked.  
“I did, yes” Mark replied. “A few days ago”  
“And you haven’t spoken to Bryan?”  
“No, I haven’t… How did you know?”  
“He told me”  
“You’re still speaking to him?”  
“The news reports aren’t totally true… Yes, we’re still on speaking terms. He is the father of my children, need I remind you”  
“I’m aware”

Kerry lifted the mug and took a sip. She lowered the drink and placed it on the table in front of her. She looked up at Mark and held his gaze.

“Bryan told me what happened” Kerry began.  
“I… uh… I don’t know what you’re talking about” Mark averted his eyes.  
“He kissed you and you ran away”  
“You don’t sound surprised”  
“I’m not… Frankly, I’m surprised it took him this long to do it”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Mark… Bryan’s in love with you”  
“And he’s married to you”

Kerry sighed. “Bryan and I haven’t been working for some time now. He thought that if he left the band and spent more time with me and the girls that everything would be okay but it didn’t work. He thought that leaving the band… Leaving you… Would help get his life back on track”  
“Leaving me?” Mark stammered.  
“He’d fallen for you and he didn’t trust himself to be around you anymore… But once he’d removed the temptation, his feelings didn’t go away. I watched as he pulled further and further away from me… You went away and didn’t have any contact with him and it nearly broke him. Then you showed up at our house and… And you rejected him”  
“It wasn’t my intention… I didn’t know things were so bad between the two of you”  
“You didn’t want to come between us. I understand that but there is no ‘us’ anymore”  
“So what are you saying?”  
“That he loves you… He needs you… How do you feel about him?”  
“I miss him… I care about him… I love him too”  
“So tell him. Please?”  
“I… I appreciate you coming here, Kerry. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you…”  
“But?”  
“But I can’t… I’m not ready”  
“He’ll wait for you… I know he will”

“What about Molly and Lilly?” Mark asked her.  
“What do you mean?”  
“What will happen to them?”  
“They’ll be fine. Bryan will never stop being their father. They love and adore him. And he loves them just as much”  
“I-”  
“Don’t try to use our girls against him. He loves you just as much as he loves them… They’re his flesh and blood and he would walk through fire for them (so would I)… And he’d do it for you too”

Kerry didn’t want to stay any longer than necessary. She knew she needed to give Mark time to think about what she’d said and what Bryan means to him. They finished their coffee in silence then she left without another word. Mark politely walked her to her car.

“Thanks for stopping by” he said as he hugged her.  
“I just want him to be happy” she admitted. “And, if you change your mind… He’s staying at his sisters’ apartment while she’s in London. He’ll probably be there all of next week…”  
Mark nodded then kissed her cheek. “Bye Kerry”  
“Goodbye Mark”

She climbed into the car, slid the key into the ignition and started it. Mark watched as she backed down the drive and her car disappeared from sight. He remained in the yard for a long time, thinking over everything that she’d said to him.  
Some time later, he went back inside and collapsed on the couch. He’d never felt so scared, excited or nervous at the same time before. He knew he needed to make a decision but he was scared that he’d make the wrong one.

*-*-*-*-*

During the next three days, Mark did a lot of thinking. He thought of a life with Bryan and one without him. He imagined every possible outcome, amicable break-ups and all out war zones.  
The phrase ‘it’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all’ kept swimming about his head. He hated the thought of being with Bryan and losing him but the more he thought about it, the more it pained him to imagine his life without Bryan at all.

It was hard enough staying away from him. He knew his friend was going through a rough time and had the circumstances been different, he would have been there for him in an instant.  
Several times, he found himself heading out to his car, his mind made up, determined to go to his friend. He’d make it to the main road then change his mind and drive back home.

Mark looked at the clock on the wall and watched as the numbers ticked over to midnight. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. The brunette rolled off the couch and onto the floor then struggled to get to his feet. He stubbed his toe on a discarded beer bottle and groaned. He vowed to clean up the next day after a good night’s sleep.

Knock! Knock!

He groaned in frustration and staggered to the front door. He reached the hall and instantly sobered up. The only people who came to see him this late at night were his family… Something had to be wrong! He hurried to the door and threw it open. His anxiousness was replaced with shock when he found Bryan on his front porch.

“Bryan!” Mark gasped.  
“Hi” Bryan replied. “I know it’s late… I’m sorry”  
“I thought you were one of my parents… That something was wrong, with Barry or Colin”  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”  
Mark sighed. “Well, you’re here now… You might as well come in”  
“If you don’t want me here, I’ll go”  
“No, it’s fine”

Mark’s shock was being replaced with agitation. He stepped aside and allowed Bryan to enter his home. He closed the door behind him then followed him into the Living room.  
The room was a complete mess but Bryan didn’t care about that. He walked over to the armchair and sat down. Mark started to clean up, slightly embarrassed by the state of the room.

Bryan didn’t say a word. He allowed several minutes to pass as Mark busied himself cleaning up. Once the room was a little cleaner, Mark was walking back through the room when Bryan reached out and took his hand. He pulled the younger boy over to him and Mark sat down on the arm of the chair, looking down at Bryan.

“Mark,” Bryan began. “I wanted to apologise for the way I behaved”  
“You… What?” Mark asked, confused.  
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was wrong of me and I’m sorry”  
“I… Why?”  
“Why what?”  
“Why are you apologising?”  
“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately and I’ve realized that I handled the whole thing terribly. I’d dropped a bomb on you then I kissed you while you were in a state of shock. It must have come as a surprise to you and I never meant to do that to you”  
“It was a bit of a surprise…”  
“I want us to still be friends… I’d hate for that kiss to push us apart. You and me, we used to be so close. I mean, no one gets me the way you do and I’d hate to lose that… To lose you”

Bryan averted his eyes and stared down at his hands. Mark had never seen his friend so defeated before. As he stared at the older boy, his moments of uncertainty and hesitation were long forgotten. He just wanted to take Bryan into his arms and tell him everything would be okay.  
He continued to watch his friend and, in that moment, all he knew was that he needed to spend the rest of his life with the older boy.

Mark slowly leaned forward. He placed his hand on Bryan’s chin and urged the blonde to look up at him. Once their eyes met, Mark leaned in and kissed him. All those months of wanting, longing and lusting for each other spilled forth into that one kiss.  
Bryan’s arms came up to encircle Mark and he pulled the younger boy down into his lap. He felt Mark smile into the kiss and Bryan did the same. All too soon, they separated and stared into each other’s eyes.

“I’m in love with you” Mark whispered.  
“I know” Bryan breathed. “I’m in love with you too”  
Mark leaned in for another kiss but Bryan stopped him.  
“What made you change your mind?” Bryan asked.  
“Nothing” Mark admitted. “I’ve always been in love with you”  
“Then why are you willing to take the chance now and not before?”  
“I tried to imagine my life without you and I realised that… Without you, my life wouldn’t be worth living”  
“Really?”  
“But a part of me is still scared”  
“Scared… Of what?”  
“You fell out of love with Kerry… What if you do the same with me?”  
“I won’t”  
“Can you be sure of that?”  
“Yes, I can… I swear…. I wasn’t meant to be with her, Mark. I belong with you”  
“But what about Molly & Lilly?”  
“Mark, they’re my girls… They always will be and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need them in my life just as much as I need you”  
“I’m not asking you to put me before them… All I see is they’re your daughters and you couldn’t stop loving them if you tried but you stopped loving their mother… I couldn’t bare it if you didn’t love me anymore”  
“Mark, I’d rather die a thousand painful deaths then fall out of love with you… What if you stop loving me?”  
“I could never do that… To stop loving you would be death for me”

Bryan closed the gap between them and initiated another passion-fuelled kiss. Their lips locked together like they were made for each other. As Bryan’s hands slipped under Mark’s shirt, the younger boy shifted his mouth from the blonde’s and lightly began to tease his neck.  
He could feel Bryan’s eagerness through his jeans and he seductively licked the older boy’s jaw before suckling his earlobe.

“Mark” Bryan gasped.  
“What?” Mark teased.  
“With your permission, I’d like to take you upstairs”  
“So formal, Bry?”  
“I want you know I mean it… That this isn’t… Some passing infatuation. I’m in this for the long haul”  
“Believe me, so am I”  
“Then… May I take you upstairs and make love to you all night long?”  
“You damn well better”

Their lips came together for one more kiss before Mark climbed off Bryan’s lap and the two of them left the room. Mark switched off the lights as they went and before he knew it they were standing outside his bedroom door. He looked up and his eyes met Bryan’s. They smiled at each other and Mark’s heart beat loudly in his chest.  
As he smiled at Bryan, he realised that for the first time, he wasn’t nervous about taking him to bed. He knew this was meant to be. Bryan lifted Mark off his feet and carried him into the bedroom.

Bryan gently placed Mark onto the bed and climbed on after him. As their arms wrapped protectively around each other, Mark wondered how he’d managed to survive so long without Bryan. When he felt Bryan’s hands on his naked skin, he no longer cared about the past. All that mattered to him now, was the present and their future.  
Mark knew they were going to be very happy together… And Bryan knew it too.

 

END!

**Author's Note:**

> Original publication date (on my now defunct 'All Things Shnicky' site): 3rd February 2008


End file.
